


Seven Years Later

by idbeinvisible



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Dan Howell - Freeform, Gen, danisnotonfire - Freeform, thank you
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-16
Updated: 2017-10-16
Packaged: 2019-01-18 01:22:50
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 413
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12377991
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/idbeinvisible/pseuds/idbeinvisible
Summary: An Open Letter to Dan Howell- I know that he will most likely never see this, but this is my thank you.





	Seven Years Later

When I found you, I was thirteen.  
I was sitting alone in a dark room letting videos play at random because I couldn’t be bothered to choose one myself. 

I was so young. I tore at my skin because I wanted to feel something, anything, but even as the blood flowed down my arms, I was numb. It was after my third failed suicide attempt that I gave up. I couldn’t do anything right, not even kill myself. 

When I found you, I was thirteen. I looked at your face and saw a smile that never quite reached your eyes. I knew what that was like.  
The darkness inside was all encompassing and it threatened to spill out. You knew what that was like.  
I was broken and alone, no one understood, and no one cared enough to try. No one knew what that was like. 

So I buried myself in your videos, clinging to the boy who smiled like me and straightened his hair like me. I clung to the boy who lied like me. 

The difference between us is that you found a friend, and I stayed alone. It was 2011. I was thirteen. 

I have watched you grow and become so beautiful. I look at your face and see a smile that reaches your eyes. I don’t know what that is like. It has been nearly seven years since I found you. You let your hair go curly. So have I. You coaxed me out of the corner and told me that things would get better. I am only now where you were all those years ago. 

I still don’t have a smile that reaches my eyes. You know what that was like. Yet, you snuck up on me when I wasn’t looking. You gave me hope, a feeling that I have not dared to allow in my heart for a long time. You gave me hope that someday I could be better, that I would not always be alone. I don’t know if that is brave of me, or just stupid, but on my darkest days, I remember you. I see what you have become and I am so, so incredibly proud. My heart swells and I feel something that isn’t just cold. 

When I found you, I was thirteen, but now I am turning twenty.  
These may simply be the musings of a sad and lonely girl, but this is my life, and I owe it to you.


End file.
